does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
