My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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