I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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