Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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