I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize