True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
