I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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