i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
