tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
