if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
