Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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