You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize