hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i would punch a child for taco bell
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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