So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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