Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
