How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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