I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
