shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
