somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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