I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Pooping to opera.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
