Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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