When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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