he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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