Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
