I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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