somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
