Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
