I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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