I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
