you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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