You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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