the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Randomize
