i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize