if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
