so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
