I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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