Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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