i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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