my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
