woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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