Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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