Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
