Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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