Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
