you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
