Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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