I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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