We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
