So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
