I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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