Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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