if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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