when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize