youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
