I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
