I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
