He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize