did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
