I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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